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My old high school football coach was fond of telling us that
we were boys playing a man's game. We took it as a compliment,
and why not? It was a nice boost for our adolescent male egos,
and in truth we were burdened by few of the responsibilities
of actual men. We knew that if we were ever called on our behavior,
we could fall back on the tried and true excuse of "boys
will be boys."
In a just world, adults and adolescents are supposed to be
held accountable for their behavior, especially when it harms
others. But sadly, in recent years accountability -- for adults
or young people -- has not been greatly in evidence in the male
sports culture.
That's why something that happened in Baltimore last month
was so notable. The story: A 16-year-old junior varsity lacrosse
player at St. Paul's, a prestigious, predominantly white independent
school whose lacrosse team was ranked No. 1 in the nation, videotaped
himself having sex with a girl from another private school.
He then showed the tape, made without the girl's knowledge,
to a small group of teammates, and a few nights later a varsity
player showed it to two dozen team members.
When the girl found out about this betrayal and her parents
alerted the authorities, the reckoning was swift and sure. Robert
Hallett, the school's headmaster, expelled the male student
and suspended several others. Then, at a school with a long
and proud lacrosse tradition, he sent an unmistakable message
to the rest of the team. He canceled the varsity season.
The girl has suffered a traumatic event whose effects she might
feel for the rest of her life. She immediately withdrew from
school. One can only hope that with lots of help from family,
friends and therapists she'll be able to get on with her life
somewhere else.
For the young men on the lacrosse team, this regrettable episode
provides one of those life lessons that coaches like to talk
about as one of the benefits of team sports. The lesson is about
silence and complicity. There were many disturbing aspects of
this case, but the one that has probably caused the most second-guessing
is the fact that numerous guys had prior knowledge of their
teammate's plans. But no one said or did anything to prevent
or interrupt them. Not even seniors. Or the team captains.
Why not? One possible explanation is that few of the boys on
the team thought they were doing anything wrong. They've grown
up immersed in a popular and pornographic culture where the
sexual degradation of women is so common as to seem unremarkable.
In that sense it shouldn't surprise us that they didn't even
stop to think about how humiliated she would feel.
Another explanation exists. In organized team sports, leadership
on and off the field is constantly invoked as a highly prized
ideal. Yet when it comes to men speaking out about other men's
sexism or violence toward women, few high school boys, or adult
men, have been willing to provide that leadership.
This is not an insignificant failure. According to the U.S.
surgeon general, battering is the leading cause of injury to
women. One in four women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime.
Sexual harassment is a daily fact of life for millions of women
and girls. And things aren't getting better.
One recent survey showed that 25 percent of teens know someone
in their school who has been in an abusive relationship. Most
gender violence is perpetrated by men who are not athletes.
But when male athletes in high school, college or the pros are
caught treating women in stereotypically sexist, physically
abusive or sexually assaultive ways, because of their status
and prominence in male culture they reinforce the idea that
being disrespectful to women is part of the very definition
of being a man.
When individual male athletes or entire men's sports organizations
take an active public stance against gender violence, they set
a powerful example for other men and boys. Consider the Seattle
Mariners' groundbreaking "Refuse to Abuse" campaign
against domestic violence. When respected professional baseball
players like Jamie Moyer and Carlos Guillen support the cause,
they send the message to other men that it is OK for them to
speak out, too.
If we want to reduce gender violence, we need to discourage
men from being passive bystanders in the faces of our peers'
abusive behavior. Fortunately, it appears that increasing numbers
of men across the country -- including a growing number of high
school and college student-athletes -- are getting involved
in programs aimed at reducing teen relationship abuse, rape
and sexual assault.
But positive peer influence is not enough. We need to make
it clear to potential perpetrators that there will be consequences
for abusive behavior. Responsible leaders in the sports culture,
including athletic directors, coaches and general managers,
need increasingly to display the kind of courage that Robert
Hallett at St. Paul's did when he refused to excuse the thoughtless
cruelty of the lacrosse team.
If we want our boys to grow up to be healthy men and to treat
women -- and each other -- with respect and dignity, we need
to stop saying that "boys will be boys" and demand
a higher standard.
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